Dear body

Body image talking to your body :
Dear body,
Every time I see you,
I imagine you beautiful,
Even though you kind of already are,
I just imagine you a little better than you are,
People say I have a skinny little waist
Make it a little bigger!
A better figure,
Thin cheakbones, ribs,
They say they should be more hidden,
I imagine my pokey little ears,
A little bit more tucked,
My beady little eyes a little bit more bright with life,
Tired skin a little pinker,
Hair a little thicker,
And I sit with a fat belly chunky arms….
Thinking it should be the other way around.

By 16 year old me

Believe in yourself

It’s time to move on
It’s time to let go
Don’t turn your head now
Pace yourself
One step by step
slow
*
I know you’ve been through a terrible time
And now you have to rebuild everything back up
I can’t emphasize enough
Nothing worse than recovery after a surgery
Or a clock ticking time on this life I have in front of me
Loosing someone you love like it was yesterday
But giving up is not the solution
*
I know the truth hurts but just pick up and bruise on
And I wish you had a hand to help you up steep mountains
And I wish you had love under flowers and water fountains
*
But right now it’s time to let go of all that you know
For round the corner
Something better awaits
Believe in yourself
It has to pick up

Close your eyes

Close your eyes,

In the pouring rain

Does it feel like yesterday?

Feel the sun escape

Does it feel like your awake?

See the sky change from green to blue

Does it feel like something new?

Close your eyes in the pouring rain,

Does it feel like yesterday?

Lost

I’d have done everything and anything,

Just to be by your side,

I’d of made those scrambled eggs,

Toast all fried,

I can’t believe the amount I’ve lost
And I can’t believe the amount I’ve cried,

I feel so restless, I barely sleep,

And I keep rubbing my eyes,

The realisation that you really don’t
And can’t stand me quite that way,

Is making my whole life a living hell,
And I have to go away,

For life is sweet when your around
And beams fly out my face,

But you destroy all my surrounds,
And I get lost inside my space,

I have to hold your hand one day,

And be your something more,

But I don’t think I will get that now
My fat face by your door,

Rejection is so hard for me,

But I’m sure I will survive,

For love is love and may be lost,

But it won’t destroy my pride.

Indecisive

if this is goodbye

I should know better yet then to cry

I don’t have to try

at last I say goodbye

if only it was that easy

to walk away

breezy

should I stay

ease in

or walk away

freedom

*

if this is goodbye

then I am sorry

but what do I have if I stay

but worry

and you wont go anywhere in a hurry

and I don’t want to be your anchor

any longer

I need a life transfer

an answer

I know it’s not fair

but I’m not her

I’m not the vision you wanted me to be

a goodbye doesn’t mean what you think….

*

I just want to be free

for a little bit.

 

 

10 fingers 10 toes

Who will you be?
Who are you now?
What do you think?
How long will you take ?

Everyone tells me about it,
Everyone’s says your a baby,
Everyone wants a slice,
I know because I’m baking,
I need someone to tell me it’s alright,
Whilst I’m sat here wondering,
Trying to last another night,
Without all these questions, answering,
I hear a melody in my head,
I place my hand across what I think is your head,
Your wriggling body moves around,
Are you there?
I hear no sound.

Who will you be?
Who are you now?
What do you think?
How long will you take?

They say it’s frightening,
And I’m worried,
They say I should be enlightened but I’m in a hurry,
I want to see your face so much,
But I feel I’ve put you through enough,
I know I should be having fun,
As I’m mixing up this bun.

Sometimes I think someone could love you better,
But I can’t wait to be together,
At last the next month has arrived, I see your face on the screen,
And I’m surprised,
Your constantly on my mind.

It gets me through,
That one day I will have all the answers,
And in the end it went quite fast,
My worries I leave in the past,
My ten fingers and toes,
Button nose,
Silky hair,
Floppy hands,
Tiny ears,
Floppy feet,
Little eyes I longed to meet.

Although you won’t remember, at least it’s a journey we completed together.

I’m in love

I told you I’m in love with you
You said that’s nice to know
That it’s warming and your touched by it
But I really have to go
*
I TOLD YOU IM IN LOVE WITH YOU
But you shrugged your shoulders slow
It was killing me the whole time not telling you
And even more so now you know
*
I felt the whole room drown me
Grab my legs and surround me
Floods of tears an army
You said you wouldn’t harm me
And now I’m left, I’m starving
For love that never started
Walk mountains the earth’s departed
But now I’m broken hearted.
*
I told you I’m in love with you …
And now I just regret it
My whole stomachs regurgitated
Did you actually give a shit?
*
For this is the karma I have to feel
For years I made you wait
And now I have to deal with this
I hope it’s just a faze.
*
And I couldn’t end the end like this
But I have no choice anymore
I’m fucking done with waiting up
No answers on my phone
*
I care for you so much it hurts
But you can’t forgive the mistakes I’ve done
Like we haven’t all ….
I feel like I can’t walk anywhere
My body can’t even crawl.
*
I TOLD YOU IM IN LOVE WITH YOU
But you shrugged your shoulders slow
It was killing me the whole time not telling you
And even more so now you know
*

@lilythrebecca

January 9th 2019

Tell me

Tell me

is her colour as pretty as mine?

Tell me

does her hair have a silky shine?

Tell me

do her lips feel as soft?

Tell me

is she sexy when she is cross?

Tell me

does she smell as fine?

Tell me

or am I wasting my time

what is it that im doing wrong?

Tell me

maybe im a fool and we don’t belong

Tell me, tell me, tell me

cos right now im not feeling so strong…

Real…

If I told her,

She’d say,

Of course it’s not true,

But I wanted to believe,

If I told her she’d say it’s not real,

But I don’t understand because I’m sure it felt real,

I just have endless battles with my head back and fourth,

Rocking horse,

Where nothing makes absolute sense,

But at the same time makes every sense,

It explains the long periods of times where youve trapped me in this fairy liquid bubble of silence,

Shot me in your car spot light driving at 50mph,

Caressed my body like butter to a knife,

Whispered slightly,

Stare at me,

Harrass me,

and still shower with your words, is it real, is it real, is it real.

 

COPE

So many asked me

how I coped over the years

some say it as a joke ‘how do you cope?’

a rhetorical question ‘I don’t know how you cope?’

some ask it as if they’ve know me for ages ‘how are you coping?’

some say it as if it was them going through it ‘I wouldn’t cope if I was you!’

some act as if they’ve been through it ‘I wouldn’t put up with it’

others don’t bother to ask

and then the rest when you try to tell them they don’t care

COPE

I haven’t ever got on with the word cope

and if it was a person I would meet it in a taxi pick it up go to a pub get it drunk and try my best to ‘accidently leave it behind’  in a crowd of dancing virgins in a nightclub I’ve never been in before.

 

 

try

I guess all I can do is try

and then when I’ve tried all I can

I will know if its all really worth it

and if the trying doesn’t land me in the right hand

at least I can go back to reality

and if you was looking at it from where I stand

you’d be stood right in front of me

but I think its just all fictional

as if some dream.

~

can’t sleep

I can’t sleep

every pillow I turn

or quilt I tug

your not there.

*

I can’t sleep

my stomach just hurts

like a child

*

the visions of everything we could be doing

so

wild

*

it’s been awhile since

I saw your smile

*

and  I can’t sleep

*

I struggle to

eat

I can’t believe I’ve started the process again of falling in love.

 

I had a baby

I carried you 
but I can’t remember the pregnancy 
I celebrated secretly in my head 
    *
I carried you 
and then I had a baby
the secrets came as you was birthed
     *
I carried you 
but I didn’t name you
I carried you and I was never ashamed 
  *
I carried you until the end 
but the events after that I never comprehended
  *
They said to be careful to be aware
but I had no signs or symptoms
apart from this wallowing despair
  *
emptiness
  *
someone took a giant carving knife that was curved into a shape of a ball

*

 took you
  *
guilt 
  *
some call it the bump 
 *
I can’t remember now
 *
and 
  *
I don’t remember how
  *
I carried you. 

 

 

 

Writers comments

My mum suffered after the birth of my 2 brothers with postnatal psychosis this can affect 1 or 2  in 1000 mothers after birth or weeks after birth.

I had also experienced postnatal depression after the birth of my son and youngest daughter.

I can say that it is the most dark and most daunting time of anyone’s life, scary and can leave haunting effects on you for years.

Even longer if a mum is unaware or a mum doesn’t speak or have counselling. It can also affect new fathers too, the likely symptoms for this is depression; lack of appetite, motivation, low aspirations, feeling like a failure, mood swings and there can be other symptoms.

The poem I wanted to reflect the thoughts of when you have a baby you forget the good parts of it, you feel guilty and feel like a bad parent, and the horrors of the unknown after a baby and after labour.

Even mums who have good labours can sometimes feel like this.

For many it passes after the first few months as the body adjusts to no longer having a baby in the womb. When feels of depression or low moods don’t go that is when its very important for you to speak to someone even if its just your closest friend.

It doesn’t matter what age you are you could be in your 30s married or 20s.

I live in Hull and although the mental health here is scrutinised on a regular basis by the local paper, news I can say that ‘The House Of Light’ counselling service changed my life completely. I want to thank all the staff there and also NHS perinatal staff that have supported so many women like myself and my mum.

Anyone that feels they need support or would just like someone to talk to please talk to your midwife, health visitor, GP or Lets talk service if your a Hull and EY patient.

Hull Samaritan’s : 01482 329477

Lets Talk Hull: 01482 247111

House Of Light

 

 

I hate everything you say…

I hate that everything you say,

is so perfect to me,

and when I fall like a child,

you pick me up off my feet.

*

I hate that you say ‘things’ would of been so sweet,

Like all chances have blown and we’ve met a defeat.

*

I hate that you wipe my tears,

kiss my head like your loyal,

Spoil me rotten,

all my fears if not lost,

they’re forgotten.

*

I hate that the words for once actually hurt me to say,

that I have not had a feeling,

like this,

for so long,

this way.

*

I just want to say it,

but then all the meanings and feelings,

might get all tangled up,                                        go missing along the way.

*

I have much to lose,

at such a high cost.

*

Your more than a friend,

than a lover,

than a partner,

your my living breathing air,

when you leave it brings me trauma.

*

I hate that everything you say,

never stays in the moment,

it follows me home,

and in my head it brings me torment.

*

I hate that your smell is like heaven,

and I just want to leave,

everything that I see is too good to believe.

*

 

Then there was you.

Its been a few gloomy Sundays,

Mondays not fun days,

A few hash tags to an old friend,

An unsend,

and an unfriend,

Couple of unknown message requests,

Some poking weirdo Facebook pests,

Fridays are the grocery days,

Few strange men staring quite obviously at my chest,

Whilst I push the pram to the child department,

They look at the cheese isle,

I just nod my head and smile,

Saturdays a rude smart arse behind the desk,

I just do what I do best,

Tidy up the weekdays mess,

Pray that next wont be a test,

The hairball stuck in my lungs breaks free,

Tuesdays and Wednesdays, bakery,

And

it

all

CRASHES

down

like

GIANT

dominions,

I cant decide which way to go,

An icey wave covers me like snow,

‘ping’

A text comes through.

 

Then there was you.

 

Desperate

I don’t want this to be over

Not until I’m stone cold sober

I just want to be like this forever

I hate that we can’t be together

And I don’t want to forget this feeling

what you’ve done to mend the healing

it makes me breathless everyday

and I don’t want you to go away

like a drug you cant buy in the shop

your presence feels like an illegal encounter

I cant reveal what’s under the bandages

a bruise is nothing compared to what is happening …

Bye

Theres probably no point in texting or

calling,

no point in knocking,

or just stopping by,

no point in posting,

searching or looking,

thinking or hoping,

im leaving im leaving,

this is goodbye.

Lettersyoullneversee

For all the answers I will never hear,

I will keep writing letters you’ll never see,

and for all the texts you will never read,

phone calls,

you never call,

rain drops,

that never fall,

I will keep writing and writing,

until I write myself happy.

medicine

…and the doctor said

just one would help

a broken heart

to help me stand

to give me strength

to help me mend

and he said I should have gone to him from the start

but I didnt then

because I knew

I didn’t care

but now its back again

its engraved into an adult brain

and if its all the same

I need something more to

break the chain

something fresh and something new

Not any pill will do…

Anticipation 07/30/17

I would lay and wait,
Like I normally do,
Imagine the comfort of the door slam,
Like I normally would,
Smell the ash from your uniform before your foot even fell to the floor.

Laying and waiting,
For your loving arms that never love,
To see your voice,
Feel your face,
Breathe in your sent, an ungodly aroma,
And then for you to not say a single word and walk out on me again,
The anticipation had me dreaming,
Whilst I lay drowning,
Drowning in the worry of tomorrow.

You fed my fear of another piece of my heart shattering like shards of glass that glisten innocently like tinsel,
Into your wrapped world of so called love and anger,
A cocktail of emotion,
I wished to never encounter,
Where are you now?
I don’t know you never answer.

Laying and waiting,
Hoping and praying,
Since I am just alone,
I do what I normally do on these dreadful evenings,
Put the kettle on,
But incidentally pour myself a vodka,
Sit by the back door,
Like I normally would,
Breathe in the toxic smoke,
Like I normally did,
Sit by the telephone,
For the call that never calls and a text that never comes.

The anticipation had me dreaming,
Whilst I sat drowning,
In the mist of another evening,
Knowing I was getting nowhere,
And you were going everywhere,
How long must I lay and wait?

Walk away.

I didn’t want to do this

And I never thought I’d see the day

I didn’t want to let go

I didn’t want to let us go

I hoped you’d come around

But you didn’t come around

And I’m so emotionally exhausted

My mind will forever stay

But my body has to walk away.

Sticky toffee pudding

I don’t know who else it comes from

My dad doesn’t have a sweet tooth

Nor does my mum

My grandad would complain at anything too sweet

Sucking on a hard boiled sweet

Ooh it’s nasty but so delightful

Turkish delight taken by the handful

Ice cream after every comforting lunch with you

And for the best most a significant important events

You would put it in the oven

That sticky toffee pudding

And then Nan you would ask would you like cream with that ?

It clicked

I have a sweet tooth just like you.

A Passionate Kiss

Fireworks going off inside our mouths,

Candy-floss flavoured tongues,

And merry go round eyes,

An experience you don’t ever forget,

The tense feelings in your head,

A kiss that could lead you to bed,

And if it was a scent,

It would smell like sweet oranges, sun cream, Paco Rabanne and melted chocolate on Easter,

If it was an event it would be the giddiness of a child’s excitement on Christmas Day,

The pounding of hearts is so powerful it moves you in closer to them,

Beat by beat by beat,

The sensations of soft sand slipping between each toe,

And fresh cut dewed grass where a small baby lamb makes the most pleasing bleat,

A passionate kiss,

Is more than just a peck,

And if anyone asked my what I imagined it to be,

I this would be my answer.